Warning: Post may involve 'crude' language

"...And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing each moment for what it could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve me watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to fit someones expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up

This is very important so I want to say it as clear as I can.

Fuck. That. Shit."

http://xkcd.com/137/

I love that I am reading a webcomic to remind me that there is a great big world out there that goes beyond the Internet. It goes beyond anything I could ever imagine.

So why not shake things up?

Gratitude: Wine and Cheese

Last night I hung out with amazing friends and house mates. We just had food and talked about whatever.

I can't even begin to explain how much value my friends have in my life. They are simply incredible.

Gratitude: Traditions

I am grateful for traditions. I love how they can pull people together. I like to watch as they change and grow.

Every year Derek and I take turns putting the angel on the top of the tree. I do it on even years and Derek does it on odd years. I wish to carry this tradition forward into my own family.

Gratitude: Recovery & Help

I am grateful that I am able to recover and heal.

I am also grateful that there is help when I need it, and most of the time I don't even need to ask.

Your soul you must keep totally free

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes this gets me in trouble, and sometimes it gets me hurt. Really hurt. I need to let go and 'hold onto' people with an open palm and not a closed fist.

This can mean friends, family, loved ones, partners, or any other people I need to release from my fist and allow to be in an open palm. I need to treasure and honour people around me like I do each and every breath - each one unique and not a single one guaranteed.

So what does this all mean? I don't really know. I am ok with that.

Awake My Soul - Mumford and Sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes

I struggle to find any truth in your lies

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know

This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all

But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

Lend me your eyes I can change what you see

But your soul you must keep, totally free

Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul

Awake my soul

You were made to meet your maker

Awake my soul, awake my soul

Awake my soul

You were made to meet your maker

You were made to meet your maker

------------------------------------------

4B has been a hard term so far for me. The school work is manageable, I have done this 7 times before. However, I am looking for jobs <-- careers, doing my fourth year design project, challenging my world view, building relationships, critically thinking about relationships, practicing yoga, practicing Karate, going to the barn, being active in GradComm, insert other activities/thought processes as warranted, and learning.

Always learning.

Gratitude: Roof over my head

I know it has been over done, but I am grateful to have a roof over my head. Not having heat last night made me especially grateful to have heat tonight.

Gratitude: Good food with great friends

I am grateful to be in a place in my life where I can share good food with great friends. I am so thankful for great conversation with amazing intelligent people.

Gratitude: Body Signals

I thought about this but forgot to blog yesterday. I am thankful for my body's signals to me. It tells me when it is hungry, when it's full, when it needs a shower and most importantly when it needs some rest. This has been a big week for my physically:

Monday: Karate

Tuesday: Hot Yoga X 2

Wednesday: Karate and Hot Yoga

Thursday: Hot Yoga

Last night I was considering doing Karate and Yoga today, but my body has kindly reminded me of its need for rest. I think I will buy it some chocolate milk and take it easy today. I am going to drink lots of water and really let my body hydrate.

Gratitude: Yoga Instructors

I am grateful for any person who has ever taught/lead/instructed me through a yoga class. I had an amazing class after Karate today. Being guided through yoga by amazing, talented passionate people has helped me to grow in my practice.

Speaking of which, based today including a Karate and yoga class I am physically exhausted. I need to be asleep about half an hour ago.

Good night

xo

Gratitude: Food

Today I am grateful to have access to beautiful, wonderful fresh foods that nourish my body. In particular, fruits and vegetables that give me the sugar and nutrients to practice Karate and yoga. I am thankful for the plant and animal proteins I eat that help me build muscle. I am thankful that I have a bread maker and all of the ingredients to make fresh, whole grain breads.

I would like to express my gratitude to all of the people and animals involved in the making, growing, preparing, selling, packaging, and all other processes involved in me eating.

Food nourishes my body, which helps me to grow.

30 days of Gratitude

Respect, Compassion and Gratitude.

I am setting a goal to blog about something involving those three things for the next 30 days, but I am going to focus on gratitude.

Today won't be a long entry. I am tired and I have a 6:30 am yoga class tomorrow.

Right now I am grateful for my bed; it gives me a place to rest my body.

Pact

On a good night at Chainsaw last term I made a pact with my friends. It was simple.

No Douches.

So what does that mean? No putting time and energy into people or relationships that make you feel like garbage. How and why does it make sense to put effort into people that treat you like crap when we have lives filled with amazing people that love us, have our backs and put that same effort into us?

Here's the thing. We are all douches sometimes. We all goof, we all make mistakes. However, there are patterns of douche-yness and toxic people. Maybe someone just doesn't have time in their life for a relationship of any kind right now (friendship or otherwise). That's fine. Stop putting effort in. Give people room to grow.

So..... for me that's much easier said then done. I care about people that I meet. I put up with more garbage then I probably should. It is hard for me to let people go, even if they don't treat me very well sometimes.

So what does this all mean? I don't really know. I am taking time right now to sort myself out. One day at a time. Breathe in and out.

Well, it's time for class. Then karate. Then class. More class. Sleep. Yoga. Class. Running club. GradComm. Yoga. Karate. Class. Jumble and repeat as necessary. Grow. Learn. Love.

Words

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Don't promise things to people. If you say what you mean and mean what you say, others will learn that you follow through with your word and will trust that you will do so in the future. My word is my bond.

The words "I love you" can be heavy. If I have told you that I love you I mean every word of it.

I am trying my best to show the people I love that I care about them. Even if it is just the occasional text message, I want you to know that I am thinking about you. I have amazing friends and I want to let them know how wonderful and caring they are. I am so fortunate to have incredible people in my life.

If I have believed in you for 12 years, I will keep believing in you.

Thank you

I just want to give a 'thank you' shout out to my body for carrying me through karate, running and yoga in the past two days. I also want to give it a thanks in advance for carrying me through yoga and karate tomorrow.

xo

Wobbling

Today I was in tree pose with my eyes closed. I lost my balance and fell out of it. Maybe it was for me, maybe it wasn't but either way my yoga teacher really spoke to me today.

"Wobbling is good, it means that you're learning" - Tara Kachroo

Incomplete

Incomplete - Alanis Morissette

One day I'll find relief

I'll be arrived

And I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace

I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed

I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line

And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat

And I'll know God

And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day

One day I'll be secure

Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line

And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding

Ever expanding

Ever adventurous

And torturous

But never done

One day I will speak freely

I'll be less afraid

And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art

One day I will be faith-filled

I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life

Urgent for a finish line

And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Drunk Text Message to God

From George Watsky's Drunk Text Message to God:

The body of Christ is your body,

The body of Buddha be your body,

Your body be usable,

Your body be suitable,

Your body be beautiful,

You don't need anything different.

--

On another note, I am starting Karate on Monday. Maybe Karate will be the Yang to the Yin of my yoga. Maybe not. Maybe I will learn to have more discipline. Maybe not. I am just looking to learn about myself and the world I live in.

I am taking care of me.

xo

30 minutes of talking with your best friends can really help a bad situation. It isn't mystically "fixed" but just having someone listen and give you feedback and tell you that you're loved is amazing.

He told me a lot of things, but two for me to focus on are "Take care of yourself" and "Just breathe"

So here I am.

Just.

Breathing.